Hard To Say Goodbye

So, I have started this writing class, and for our first essay, we wrote about something we have gone through that was harder than we thought it would be. I decided to write about saying goodbye to Chris before leaving for my mission. It was only two pages, so instead of writing about my mission which would take up three times that amount, I went for the shorter story. It was still a bit hard to chisel down into two pages, but I did it.

This is the finished product... you don't have to read it if you don't want to. But, if you do, I'd like your opinion. Your HONEST opinion. I have finally found something I enjoy doing, and I want to know if I'm any good at it. If not, tell me... but please try not to be too harsh! :)


Hard to Say goodbye
I thought I knew I loved Chris, but up until this moment, I never realized quite how much. It never really occurred to me that I would have to leave him behind. It had come so quickly and before I knew it, it was time to face my fear and say goodbye.

My mission call to Fresno, California had come two and a half months previously, in November of 2004. It was all very exciting, and Chris, my boyfriend at the time, was 100% supportive and happy for me. He also had served a mission and loved every minute of it, and we were both very much looking forward to mine. Our relationship was wonderful. He was my best friend, and I was his. We started dating in July of 2004, and almost instantly became very close. We had been dating for about three months at the time when I decided to serve a mission, and it came as a bit of a shock to both of us. I hadn’t planned on serving a mission. The fact that I would have to leave my home and familiar surroundings for an entire 18 months was not appealing to me. What didn’t come as a shock was that Chris continued to support me and help me prepare to go.

By January 25th 2005, I was ready. I had spoken in sacrament meeting, had my bags packed, everything was set and ready to go – but there was one thing still to be done. It was something I had dreaded facing since the day I received my mission call, and I really never looked at the reality of it since then. I needed to actually say goodbye to Chris. We of course both knew that I needed to go, so if it were at all possible, that made it a bit easier. But here we were, trying to enjoy the evening together, the last we would have in 18 months. The pain of what the end of it would bring was so overwhelming, I all but forced back the tears from my eyes until it was pointless to try and hold them back.

Things were different that night; we weren’t alone. We needed to be chaperoned – we couldn’t hold hands, and we weren’t supposed to hug. And the entire night, the question weighed on my mind, “Should I shake his hand or hug him when I say goodbye?”

We spent some time at his house later that evening, and I was grateful for the comic relief from our families as we awkwardly tried to keep composure. Knowing we could no longer be alone together wasn’t easy, and they knew it. They could see the strength behind our efforts to stop the moisture from starting in our eyes.

I remember what happened next all so clear. My parents and cousin walked with Chris and I outside. Before reaching the car, I turned to look at Chris, who was dreading this just as much I was. There was so much to say, yet nothing seemed to come. All I could think of was, “Be good.” It was phrase that we often said when goodbye was involved; it somehow had deeper meaning this time. With tears streaming down my face, I extended my hand out to him. He looked at my outstretched hand and jerked me forward, pulling me into his warm chest. We held each other for just a moment, my “chaperones” standing close by, observing our every move, and I think, feeling some of the emotion behind our farewell.

We cried in each other’s arms for what seemed to be a few seconds, wanting to stay there forever. With a quick “I love you” from each of us, he loosened his tight grip around me and we walked to the car. As we drove away, I watched him move hurriedly into his house, holding back the tears that would come so quickly as he later relayed to me what sounded like a long, uneventful night of heartache and tears.

I cannot explain the emotion I felt in that car at that time. Other than the sound of my gasping for air amongst the sobbing, we drove in silence. Choking back the tears, I was happy to be in my mother’s arms as she tried to comfort me during quite possibly one of the most challenging nights of my life. I never realized how much I loved him until I had to say goodbye. It was a moment I will never forget.

Magic

I have never been one to just take a pill and call it good when I'm in pain. Be it a headache, muscle ache, or just general pain wherever - I just deal with it. My mom never was one to take medicine unless it was a serious situation, and I have tried to pattern my life that way. I realize there are some women who just need that little bit of help at that time of the month, and there are people who don't know what it feels like not to have a headache that is less than a migraine. I am not one of those people. Generally, my life is pain-free, and I am grateful.

When I served my mission, however, I started acquiring back pain. Something about walking around all day long and riding a bike everywhere just somehow broke me down little by little until I had a semi-permanent upper-back/shoulder ache. It gets mostly agitated when my shoulder is in the same position, or doing the same thing for a really long time.

Well, the other morning when I woke up, it wasn't just my shoulder that hurt. It was all-around back pain. I could hardly move without being in pain. I decided to take some advil. I thought, "Well, I have to work all day - and I'd rather not be in pain when I can't be at home." To my astonishment, those small suckers worked. And quick! I took them when I woke up, took a shower, and by the time I left the house about a half hour later, I was pain-free!

I will still save the drugs until I really need them, but I was amazed at how those tiny pills seemed to work like magic!

For Robby

For those of you who don't know, I have a sister who lives in Florida. She has a little boy named Robby, a funny, crazy kid who loves to see his family here in Utah. I want him to remember us, so this post is for him.

My friend Amanda and her boyfriend Jeff, my brother TJ and his wife Dixie, and Chris and I went over to my sister Heather's house for dinner last week, and I took some videos for Robby. So, I'm very sorry if this is boring, and you don't have to watch any of them, but he will love them, as will my sister.

Here you go, Holly! Love you!

I've Been Tagged

What you're about to see is pretty pathetic. Thanks to my friend Jenny Baker, you all get to see the contents of my purse. I warned her... my purse is somewhat of a small suitcase.

In the movie "One Fine Day" (one of my favorites), Michelle Pfeiffer tries to put some sort of superhero costumes together for her boy and George Clooney's little girl. It is superhero day at the daycare, and they aren't prepared. She digs into her bag and puts together 2 complete superhero outfits. In watching this, my favorite line is from George, who looks shocked and asks, "Where... where do you get a bag like that?"

My bag is big and full of stuff - but I cannot say it is as useful.

-Wallet, check book, and personal planner

-My glasses (restricted to them when I drive... and sometimes I remember to use them!)

-My ipod, headphones, and the ipod cord for my computer (because you just never know when you'll need to download a song or a CD)

-My jump drive for school

-Antibacterial gel

-Movie stub (27 Dresses) I normally have many receipts in there too, but I have recently cleaned them out. Lucky you!

-Scrapbooking sticker dots (that I used recently and just hadn't taken out yet)

-Sunglasses (of course, cheap walmart ones that have broken several times but fixed by my handy husband. they are perfect for being tossed around in my huge bag

-My camera (I've kept one with me since my senior year of high school)

-My computer cord for my camera (I've recently started carrying this one with me - you'd be surprised how many people need to take a picture of something right then. There isn't a way to get the picture without a cord!)

-Wet wipes (They come in handy even without a kid)

-Gum

-Pencil and Pen

-Floss (because it's so much more convenient than carrying a toothbrush around)

-Lip gloss

-Emory board

-Altoids

-Bobby pins and elastics carried in an altoids case (sometimes I get these and the mints confused, though they are in different cases, and I trick peeople all of the time. Hardly ever on purpose.)

-Cell phone

-And last but not least, my Journal. Of course, I don't always carry my journal around. But I always have something in there, in case I need to wait somewhere and I have nothing to do. I have replaced this with book 7 of Harry Potter.

And there you have it! I now tag Paige, Ali, Kami, Katie, Robyn, and Jeanette. Spill it, girls!

Book Number Seven...

I finished book 6! I do have to say, it was very sad. I wonder what the book 7 will bring... and please, again, no spoiling it for me!

Havin' Fun

So, speaking of it being just the two of us together, can I just say, after reading Matt Baker's blog about his wife being the best ever, that I have the best husband ever. I married my best friend, and I just love being with him. A few weeks ago, we went to my cousin's wedding at the Salt Lake temple. It was so wonderful to be there in that sealing room with my wild cowboy of  a cousin, Chevy (those who know him understand). I felt the spirit strongly and I was grateful to have had the opportunity to attend. 

Between the wedding and the luncheon, we went with my parents over to the crossroads mall to get some hot chocolate. It was one of those days when I was just grateful to be me, to have the life that I do. 

I love Chris and I enjoy the time we spend together, even if it's just getting some hot chocolate at the mall.

Just The Two of Us

As I mentioned in my last blog, and as most of you know, it is just Chris and I together. We've been married for about a year and 4 months, and have no kids. We always love watching the nieces and nephews, and I miss being around them when it's been too long between visits. 

There are times, now and then, when I will want kids, when they are just so cute to be around and we have fun because they are in such good moods that they will go right to me, or cuddle with me and give me kisses. But then there are times, I think we all know what I'm talking about, when the kids are in such a bad mood that it's hard to even get them to stop whining for something they want, or throw a fit every time you touch them.

These multiple personalities that children seem to have are what triggers my emotions on whether or not I want to have children right away. I realize that it takes a while to make a baby,  but once I am pregnant, I'm not sure that 9 months will be enough to prepare me mentally. I know that I would love to have a baby. Chris will make an excellent father and I will be so happy when it does happen. But I am enjoying the time we have had, just the two of us.

Recently, I was pregnant. I felt all of the emotion - the initial shock, warming up to the idea, then getting excited for it... and when we went in to my first doctor's appointment, the heartbeat was nowhere to be found. We scheduled an appointment to get an ultra sound, where we learned that the baby had stopped growing about a month before. And it was the strangest feeling of loss, total heartache, and confusion. For a while, I wondered what I did wrong. I have since learned that it was a blessing in disguise for different reasons, and as much heartache and tears it did cause us, the Lord knew what we needed at the time. I am grateful for those who offered their love and support at that time in my life... it really means a lot to me.

After the miscarriage, I felt so many things. Along with the sadness of the loss, it was a total wake-up call. When Chris and I got pregnant, we weren't even necessarily trying, we just weren't preventing. It came as a shock and we weren't sure what to expect... we tried to get ready, tried to get used to the idea that we were going to be parents, and it was a very humbling experience. When we lost it, I realized maybe we weren't ready. We had a new determination - to save, to get our lives in a position where we could have a baby, and to do what we needed to do in order for the Lord to bless us with another chance. I felt confused, wondering, "what now?" It seemed like my life was kind of falling into place the way it was supposed to. So I wondered if we should still try, wait longer, and wondered just what I was doing with my life and what the next step was.

When deciding to pray about it, both Chris and I were hesitant... neither of us were sure we wanted to keep trying. After much thought about it, we both felt like we should keep trying. But, while I am sure we would love having a baby, I am loving the time we have with just us. I think everything would be different if I had never miscarried, but it definitely gave me a small perspective of what is to come. I do have to say though, I can't deny that small sting of jealousy I get when I see a pregnant woman, or a young couple with a small infant in their arms. What does that mean?

I'm not sure what I'm asking here... advice, maybe? I know time with just us is so important, but I feel like kids are in the plan soon... so what are your thoughts?

My Year To Plan

Chris and I decided when we were first married that we would switch off every year planning our anniversary and Valentine's day, so neither of us had to do it every year. Well, it was my year to plan, and I decided to get a little creative.

I wanted to get a hotel, because I love to. Even though it's just us living together, There are so many distractions that keep us from just being alone, just the two of us. And, our condo is connected to others, and we normally can hear them. Its' not overbearing, but it's just enough to bother you just a little bit. The day will come, I am confident, when we will have our own house where we can be by ourselves. But since that day is nowhere to be seen in the near future, it's nice to take breaks every now and again and get away - even if just for one night at a local hotel.

I reserved a room at the Hampton Inn, and decided to leave clues as to where he should meet me on Friday night (I got the idea from my brother in law, I can't take all of the credit). The first clues I gave him were,

"Comes from a pig, What an

elephant weighs, and Mary and Joseph. Needless to say, he was confused. I had made

up a cheesy poem with more clues in it and put it in his lunch that day. They were, "A ham, a TON of weight, and a house. It took him a little while, but he finally got it.

He met me at 7:00 where I had dinner from Cafe Rio ready on a cute decorated table. I brought some Martinelli's, and some crystal goblets.

Next, I gave him a bag with small things in it. I found some things at Zurchers, the party store, like heart boxers, lotto love cards, and the heart doilies I got for the table. I found some other things at Dan's grocery store, of all places, cheesy stuff like bedroom dice and chocolate body paint. I also rented some movies, and I had reserved a jacuzzi room. I put (more) small, cheesy poems on each one, and let him choose what he wanted to do when he wanted to.

We had a lot of fun, and it was just nice to spend time together with no distractions. I never get tired of hotel rooms - even though almost every time it's my turn to plan, I usually include that in my plans.

Ode to Sister Wilson

One of my closest friends complained to me about her not being on my blog yet. I haven't intentionally left her off, I just haven't written about her yet... and apparently she thinks she is important enough to be on here. :) So, here is a little bit about her and how much she means to me. I won't bore you with all of the cheesy details (believe me - there are A LOT), but here's just a bit.

About 4 months into my mission, I attended a zone conference where my soon-to-be-companion entered the mission field. She was a spanish sister who was originally called to serve in Venezuela, was sent to Vegas for 4 months, then was finally re-assigned to the Fresno Mission. Her name was Sister Wilson. At the time, I remember thinking, "She's cool, I want to be her companion." But, though spanish and english elders were paired together quite often, it was less common for that to happen with sisters.

Four or Five months later, I was at the end of a transfer waiting for a call for my next assignment. I received the call from my district leader, saying that I would be sent down to Selma to serve with Sister Wilson, in a "zebra" area (half spanish/half english). Boy, was I scared. And Shocked! First I thought, "A spanish area? What?" Then I wondered if Sister Wilson would even like me.

Later that week, on the day of transfers, she told me that she also had wanted to be my companion when we met at that zone conference, too! I soon found out how funny and crazy she was, and we had a blast together. I've had the opportunity to reflect on my mission over the last few weeks, and I've been thinking especially about that area and the things that happened there.

There are so many people to remember that have changed my life- Sheila and Dave, Nubia and Carl, the Hendricksons, the Thurstons, Cara Weeks, President Buchanan, the Torres's. We found the Carranza family, a family of 5 kids - and they were all incredible. From the very first time we went into their home, we could tell that the oldest boy, Gerardo Jr. was "golden." He never ceased to amaze us with his willingness to jump right into everything. He was so ready. His family was sealed together February of last year, and he is now serving a mission in Colorado. He wrote me a few weeks ago to thank me for teaching his family; it has been 2 years since their baptism. I am so grateful for wonderful families like them.

Sister Wilson and I had so many good times in Selma, and formed friendships there that will always be special to me. We only were able to serve together for 6 weeks - we still wish we had more time together. That was the peak of my mission.

Today, Amanda and I are still very close, and she is one of my best friends. She is awesome and I love her. Thanks for being you, MEC4E! :)

That is the short version, but if any of you want to learn more about Amanda, let me know. She is one person worth getting to know.