Just The Two of Us

As I mentioned in my last blog, and as most of you know, it is just Chris and I together. We've been married for about a year and 4 months, and have no kids. We always love watching the nieces and nephews, and I miss being around them when it's been too long between visits. 

There are times, now and then, when I will want kids, when they are just so cute to be around and we have fun because they are in such good moods that they will go right to me, or cuddle with me and give me kisses. But then there are times, I think we all know what I'm talking about, when the kids are in such a bad mood that it's hard to even get them to stop whining for something they want, or throw a fit every time you touch them.

These multiple personalities that children seem to have are what triggers my emotions on whether or not I want to have children right away. I realize that it takes a while to make a baby,  but once I am pregnant, I'm not sure that 9 months will be enough to prepare me mentally. I know that I would love to have a baby. Chris will make an excellent father and I will be so happy when it does happen. But I am enjoying the time we have had, just the two of us.

Recently, I was pregnant. I felt all of the emotion - the initial shock, warming up to the idea, then getting excited for it... and when we went in to my first doctor's appointment, the heartbeat was nowhere to be found. We scheduled an appointment to get an ultra sound, where we learned that the baby had stopped growing about a month before. And it was the strangest feeling of loss, total heartache, and confusion. For a while, I wondered what I did wrong. I have since learned that it was a blessing in disguise for different reasons, and as much heartache and tears it did cause us, the Lord knew what we needed at the time. I am grateful for those who offered their love and support at that time in my life... it really means a lot to me.

After the miscarriage, I felt so many things. Along with the sadness of the loss, it was a total wake-up call. When Chris and I got pregnant, we weren't even necessarily trying, we just weren't preventing. It came as a shock and we weren't sure what to expect... we tried to get ready, tried to get used to the idea that we were going to be parents, and it was a very humbling experience. When we lost it, I realized maybe we weren't ready. We had a new determination - to save, to get our lives in a position where we could have a baby, and to do what we needed to do in order for the Lord to bless us with another chance. I felt confused, wondering, "what now?" It seemed like my life was kind of falling into place the way it was supposed to. So I wondered if we should still try, wait longer, and wondered just what I was doing with my life and what the next step was.

When deciding to pray about it, both Chris and I were hesitant... neither of us were sure we wanted to keep trying. After much thought about it, we both felt like we should keep trying. But, while I am sure we would love having a baby, I am loving the time we have with just us. I think everything would be different if I had never miscarried, but it definitely gave me a small perspective of what is to come. I do have to say though, I can't deny that small sting of jealousy I get when I see a pregnant woman, or a young couple with a small infant in their arms. What does that mean?

I'm not sure what I'm asking here... advice, maybe? I know time with just us is so important, but I feel like kids are in the plan soon... so what are your thoughts?